What is this life if we don’t take what we’ve learned, or hope to learn, and move forward with confidence and peace? I don’t want to just settle. I don’t want to live in unachievable hope. I don’t want to live in the what-ifs or the if-onlys or the maybe-one-days.
I want to get “it”.
When I started waking up early, as in more than an hour before my children wake for the day, I started to see more tangible results with my mothering. I thought, Is this “hocus pocus” ~ that me waking up early to get in the Word is WHY I am having a better, more patient, more positive day? Is the world helping me because I’m in the Word?
No. I’ve learned it’s because the Word helps shapes my eyes to see the world for what it really is: imperfect and looking for a ray of hope. And so it’s only after I’ve been in the Word that I can shift my selfish perspective into something a bit more pleasant.
My heart is softened towards the heartbeats in my life when I rise early to read my Bible. When I rise early to organize my day, I am reminded of my role as care-taker. And when I think of this role, another layer of my heart softens.
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Early last week, a mix of the scariest and the best sentences came to me on the phone: Zack called me Monday evening to tell me he had been in a horrific car accident, long story short his Subaru went under a semi truck also traveling on the freeway, but all he has is a cut on his head.
What? All of that, and just a cut on his head?
What is this tightness in my heart that leads to my throat that leads to my back feeling numb as I thought, Really, Lord? You have protected my husband! As I made a few phone calls, to send help Zack’s way and notify our parents, I just couldn’t wrap my head around those horrific moments. But I don’t need to, nor should I.
One of my roles is to be a care-taker, so I just did the next thing, and then the next thing, and then the next thing. All the while repeating endlessly, Thank you God.
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That “one writing thing” happened to me again. I was in the kitchen, moving around with seamless motion and not even really processing what I was doing ~ you know, because my body and my mind were doing that care-taking thing again :) I process a lot of thoughts while I’m in my kitchen. Do you? It’s typically quiet in my kitchen, and so I think my thoughts know to let down and be washed in the simplicity only the kitchen knows how to bring. Some thoughts I had: What makes motherhood easy or hard? What makes my day go by rather fast, rather uneventful ~ although definitely very hard at times and seemingly impossible to overcome on my own? Then the answer came to my mind, and I thought, YES, that is totally it!
My head said to write it down, but my hand, busy with something else, said there’s no need to. You’ll remember this, Maggie.
But, I don’t remember the answer.
I just remember feeling like I am getting it. I am GETTING IT ~ this life that I have with the three children scattering around my feet throughout all the waking hours of the day, this fourth baby growing in my tummy and this care-taking badge I so happily wear. This calling to serve and experience joy, I am getting it. And with five motherhood years beneath me, the ones now worn on my face and my hands and my sore muscles, they don’t quite remember what the tip is, but they know it’s been found.
Motherhood is constantly changing, morphing into something beautiful if we’ll just let it. When we try to boss it around and make it into something it’s not, when we fight the notion to rise early and be ready for our people, that’s when it feels incredibly hard.
When motherhood changes a little bit more towards tenderness then I rest in the YES, THIS IS IT.