Last night I knew I would have a few hours all to myself, to do anything I wanted: read a book, answer work email, take a long bath, watch a movie, sew something for myself — or even go to bed early. And while my body probably wanted me to go to bed early, I decided to try one more time to sew something. For months, and I’m not exaggerating in the least, I struggled with my inner self to be able to create something. The idea has been in my head, but every time I sat down to sketch some ideas or pair fabrics (or even cut into fabric & begin to sew) I hadn’t been able to translate what I was thinking. I kept thinking if I did something different: spend more time outside, surround myself with inspiration, pray or read my Bible more, stop thinking about being creative, talk about how I was feeling — surely my creative intentions would come to me. Right?
But they didn’t.
And I was feeling so, so, so, so discouraged. For months. Discouraged!
I mean, I had flat out stopped trying to skirt around the fact that I wasn’t feeling creative when I talked to our moms on the phone. I couldn’t hide it any more, and I didn’t want to.
Zack and I had some good talks yesterday, and one of the things I remember saying was, I’m not sure how long God wants to lead us down this road of difficulty but what I do know is this: we need Jesus.
Without going into all the details, life has been difficult, and it was surely overshadowing my creative process.
So last night, with a few hours all to myself, I decided to try once more. I grabbed some fabric I had been saving and went over the pattern (that has been inside my head for months) one more time. It couldn’t hurt to cut into another fresh fold of fabric, I thought.
I was just about desperate, but not desperate enough to totally give up. I took my time sewing — and time it did take — but as I crawled into bed last night I knew there were a few pieces of “fabric guts” from the bag I finished sewing. What has once been considered trash is now sitting on my desk as a lovely reminder of what happens when you mix patience and time with Jesus.
The bag that I’ve labored over for months? The bag that made me doubt if I had even a fat quarter of creativity left in me? The bag that humbled me over thinking God could ever be done using me (or you) for His creativity?
It is sewn, and I feel so free.